Inconveniently Ill

I feel a bit all over the place. There’s a lot of cool and exciting things going on for me at the minute, as well as in the long term, and that’s obviously great, but I’ve also found myself in this headspace where I can’t fully appreciate it. Maybe I’ve come into a new season of depression, maybe I’m burnt out again, or – I was considering this option earlier – maybe I’m feeling stressed about this busy month because I know how stressful such times have been in the past and I’m really only feeling it because I expected to feel it, in a placebo kind of way.

I don’t know.

What I can tell you is that I’m exhausted, and a bit nauseated; I have a clouded mind that can’t quite seem to settle, and the physical health issue from the start of the year that I mentioned previously still ongoing.

When I said in my new year’s resolutions that I wanted to deal with my health in 2018, I didn’t mean this.

But I’m not here to bitch and moan. What I want to highlight it what it’s like being in this weird state where I’m both happy and sad. For those who haven’t experienced mental health issues, it might sound a bit ridiculous. That’s because it is. But it’s also 100% a thing that can actually happen.

On the one hand, I had a brilliant few days with Women Aloud NI that I’ll probably remember for years to come. But, on the other hand, while I was having those great, positive experiences, I was really struggling.

When I get exhausted like this, my emotions go haywire. I find myself forcing myself not to cry at, well, nothing. There is no logical reason for me to be upset. That only makes how I feel all the more annoying.

I wrote a tweet along these lines a little while ago, but one of the things people don’t really talk about in terms of illness is just how damn inconvenient it is. It’s unpredictable, and can’t be planned around. That’s a headache in itself.

I care for my husband, which is fine when I’m on top of my game, but when I’m sick, everything falls apart just that little bit.

I don’t want to sit here and complain about my life. Really, I, don’t. I just want to sleep, for like a month, and then get on with it again. That’s where I’m at right now.

A Bumpy Start to 2018

I should, right now, be getting ready for the creative writing class I’m due to attend tonight, and the class I’m supposed to teach tomorrow. Instead, I’m in bed; in pain.

Now, I’m not going to go into too many details here (you don’t want them, believe me!) but I will say that I’ve seen a number of doctors in the last few days, I’m on a lot of medication (as pictured, right), and also on the waiting list for surgery.

So, the sad news is that the first week of my new class is cancelled. I am genuinely gutted about this and so sorry to anyone it inconveniences. All being well, I will be starting next week instead.

I have my fingers crossed and will share updates as soon as I have them.

Dyspraxic Life

So, I was in the middle of writing some fan fiction towards my Camp NaNoWriMo goal, mug in hand, when I accidentally tipped the mug too much the wrong way and spilt a good portion of the contents over myself.


I know that’s not particularly noteworthy – especially when you’re me, a person who does such things several times a day. But what happened next was that I went online to complain about my clumsy self to Twitter, using the hashtag ‘Dyspraxic Life’ – I had to actually google the word Dyspraxic to remember how to spell it.

Having had the affliction for quite some time (or, I suppose, having had it for my entire life, and being aware that it had a name for a good few years), I’ve researched it before. I know the basic symptoms (particularly the clumsiness), so I wasn’t intending to actually find out about the disorder in my searching for it.

I did stumble upon a link, however. This here piece about Dyspraxia in Adults. I clicked it out of curiosity and, wow. I’m actually sat here stunned.

Never before have I seen such an extensive list of symptoms, and never before have I been summed up so accurately in a single document. It says at the bottom that “not even the most severe case will have all the above characteristics” but there are literally only one or two on the list that don’t personally apply.

I had no idea that my disorder affected me in so many ways. To those who know me, I really recommend reading the list. It’s a startling insight into my inner self.

Bright Spot in a Bad Week

I’ve been having a really bad week. And I know this year, in general, has been hellish for a lot of people.

Generally, I don’t have the best health. I don’t shy away from that fact. I’m in pain often and get sick a lot. But since I came back from my holiday? Wow, have I been bad!

This heavy cold has been going around – my partner got it before I did – but I have the added bonus of chronic sinusitis and asthma, which makes the whole thing worse. I’ve been struggling to breathe, and sleep, and lie down. Last night I coughed so much I threw up.

Okay, maybe I’m bordering on TMI territory here, but I’m getting around to my point, which is this: things have been sucky, but there’s also good things in the world. Generally and personally.

After a particularly hard night last night and having to cancel an event today, last minute, I woke up from a much-needed nap to see a new, unprompted, five-star review on the Facebook page for my business.

I also had an email telling me one of my poems has been accepted into an anthology. After submitting more pieces than ever before and not having a single poem or short story appear anywhere all year.

So, somewhat fittingly for this time of year, I am thankful.

May bright spots on cloudy days ever continue!

The Pokémon Go Get Healthy Plan

Pokemon GoMy health’s been a bit crap, recently. Also recently, I became a bit obsessed with Pokémon Go (yes, I know, who hasn’t?).

So, I’m planning to take a completely revolutionary step and try and go walking more, encouraged by the app, and in the hopes of improving my fitness.

If you don’t already know, I’m a writer and – more recently – a carer. I’m also quite introverted. These things mean that A. I don’t have to leave the house a lot and, B. I don’t actually like leaving the house even when I do get around to it.

I’m trying to change that. I’m challenging myself to leave the house every day – even if just for a walk around the block to the local gym.

I’ll keep you posted on that but, in the meantime, here are some of Pokémon Go stats so far (because you may not have got enough statistics in my last post…):

I’m Team Valor (the red one), Level Eleven, I have eleven bronze medals, two silver medals, and I’ve seen and caught forty-three different Pokémon.

Want to know anything else? Ask in the comment section below.

A Journal Entry for Today

Last night I was feeling so productive. I was excited for starting a new month of writing projects and opportunities. I wrote out a list of everything I wanted to achieve.

Today, I woke up in pain. That’s been happening a lot, lately; waking up not when I’m no longer tired, but when the pain gets too much.

My back has been in increasing levels of agony for a while. My left knee and hip aren’t really aligned, properly, and I just feel so tired.

I’m not making this post to complain, but to document a day that hasn’t gone to plan. You could easily be forgiven for thinking that life is all sunshine and roses for people, but there’s often a lot more going on under the surface, and I like being open about that stuff.

I’m really concerned about money issues. I’m having anxiety dreams about it.

Talking to my mother on the phone, she tells me her cousin died, and I’m reminded of my own morality.

Death and the afterlife is something I think about a lot. Something I’m searching for answers about.

There’s just a lot in my head, and I didn’t feel right forcing myself to put up a blog post about books today.

They say writing this shit down helps.